The bogart in my brain

This is a wordy post for me; it may cause some people to faint in shock. Not at the content, just the fact that I wrote a long post. 

I was perusing through the several million posts currently languishing in my Google reader. If you don't know what I am talking about, the Google reader is like a dream catcher for blogs or it's actually this Google Reader. Anyhow back to the stream of consciousness that I am currently riding on, whilst perusing I came across a post entitled The Better Bogart Within and thought Aha! That is exactly how I have been feeling lately, so I merrily clicked on it to read more.

Hold the phone! Wait a bloody minute! How could I have been so wrong, that is not the Bogart I have been looking for (lame sort of Star Wars joke). The post in question talks about Humphrey Bogart and I already know from my wee twitter experiment, that Bogart evokes images of Mr Bogart the famous actor. So when I read the word Bogart, what popped into my noggin? 

Which is actually one of these: Boggart

Why did I identify with the Boggart in the first place?

In various children's books and films, the Boggart is something nice that turns into something rather nasty when you upset it, insult it, poke it and just generally piss off the bugger. Well after writing down my feelings of late, I feel like I have been a bit of a Boggart, more to the point I have been feeding mine.

My interpretation of a Boggart, let us call him/her H.Bogart (a nod to good old Humphrey), is that part of you that feeds on all the negative stuff happening around you, on a mostly subconscious level. I say mostly, because sometimes you are more than aware of the stuff that is impacting you negatively. Before you know it, you have manifested your very own Boggart on the brain. My kind of Boggart is not a mythical beast from folklore, but a more tangible beast that lives in my head. What and why have I been feeding this beast of mine?

What does my Boggart eat?

Stress is like a Chinese banquet for a family of six for my Boggart. That stress can be split into handy Boggart sized portions, covering every aspect of my life, from lack of sleep to worrying about a multitude of things. All of this equals one big fat hairy bloody Boggart and if this is all in your head, it can certainly weigh you down. How do you get your Boggart to weigh less? Put them on a ruddy diet! Easier said than done I hear you cry! I have tried diets and they suck monkey's balls. Well guess what? Effort goes into producing a fat hairy bloody Boggart, so effort is needed to lighten the load. Whether it is baby steps or monster steps, just looking in the right direction is a start. Heck thinking about looking in the right direction is a start.

Putting the Boggart on a Diet

Remember your Boggart may be lazy, anti-social and a bit stinky. Also getting him out of that mental closet will prove a tad difficult. Here are some pointers to getting rid of that Boggart mental flab hanging around.

Talk about it- Although you may still be hairy and look like a Boggart, with a bit a spit stuck in your whiskers from all that ranting and raving. I still recommend finding an ear to listen to you, whether that is friends, family, doctor or whatever trusted ear you chose.

Write about it- Not necessarily blog it like me, I am lucky to have this as an outlet. I do occasionally pick up a pen and write on paper! It is a revelation. The good thing about paper is that it burns and it is great at times to write whole load of brain spillage and then burn it. Careful the Boggart may try to eat the paper and crayons, they are funny like that.

Draw it out- Well obviously I love doodling and that works for me. Just think of how many other art forms there are to use and abuse in order to get some of that stuff out of your head. Remember the Boggart and their tendency to eat drawing materials.

Scream about it, Cry about it, Walk it out, Run it out, Swim it out, Dig it out (gardening not lobotomy), Dance it out, Blast it out (musically not explosives).

What do you feed your Boggart? Does it have a name?

Self awareness is the key to combating the inner Boggart; put him/her on a diet if you can. According to folklore the worst thing you can do is give a Boggart a name, but to that I say phooey! 

Don't hate your Boggart; just don't ignore him/her either.

Negative things happen all the time, shit happens, the less polite of us will say. Don't kick yourself in the face when something bad happens, just try and minimise the damage that it does by talking things out, or whatever works for you (See Boggart Diet). If you haven't found anything that works, then try something new. I know, I know, easier said than done in some cases, but that mental shift has to happen to make any difference to your inner Boggart. For your inner Boggart, a lucky horseshoe aint going to do much at all in ridding you of your Boggart like feelings.

Final piece of Boggart Advice: Do not try and escape your Boggart by running away, he will follow you whether you go, unless dealt with correctly. A real Boggart will follow its family from abode to abode, but a mental Boggart lives in your head and you can't escape from yourself. That is not meant to sound all woe is me! Boggart battling may sound scary (or ridiculous), but the outcome is worthwhile.

In my Boggart research I came across this fantastic post and it seems I am not original at all when it comes to using the Boggart as a metaphor for those internal struggles:

Freud, Id, Boggarts And Dementors

Consider my post 'The idiots guide to Boggarts and their ritualistic feeding habits' and the above linked post as 'Boggarts for the Enlightened'. I kind of hate this person for already writing a Boggart post, especially a good one! Curses to them, but it was too good to pretend I hadn't read it and it deserves three thumbs up (Uh oh I am feeling a bit of a green eyed Boggart coming on, back beast,backkkkkkkkkkkkk).


Did this make any sense? If not, just ignore it and blame bloody Humphrey Bogart (What a twat).

/runs off to find a dark closet

Talking to my rage

The rage overwhelms me as the drilling begins once again, my fists clench and fingernails stick into my palms, my whole body seizes up with the tension and my head feels like it is trapped in a vice.
I turn the music louder and louder, but the insidious sound of the drill oozes through the walls and straight into my already addled mind.

It stops, I breathe in the silence.

Then it all starts again.

I step away from the computer, abandoning my work once more, how can one type let alone think when all I can see is the red mist of anger in front of me.

I feel sick, I pace around.

I sit in the bathroom, its quiet there and cry out of frustration. I shake myself out of it, none of that malarkey.
I attempt to do other things, household chores that need doing, but could be left. I should be doing work. I NEED to be doing work!

They are not doing on it purpose, I reassure myself, trying to feel a sense of calm.

But how can they not know this is driving me to distraction! The less rational I yells to myself, the wall, the whatever and the vice tightens again.

You should have gone the library, rational me says.

Fuck you! Why should I move all my stuff to the library, this is my house!

Why put yourself through this, you know the building work is going to continue?

I know!

So?

I guess I will go the library tomorrow?

Good, no excuses.

What if it rains?

NO EXCUSES!

Fine!

You do know that this anger is more at yourself, than the building work? Stress is a killer, you know that?


Piss off! (I know)

/sigh

Mood enhanced/encouraged by this track : Talking Heads - Psycho Killer  

Tip for the day:

Feeling stressed, angry or upset (or all)? Then write it down, talk to someone (other than yourself), do a piece of artwork, go for a walk, listen to some relaxing music. It really does help, it is better out than in, someone said.

Okay "Its better out than in' normally refers to when someone farts, but consider a shitty mood like a malingering build up of noxious gas, much better out! Well for you anyway.

Fluffy socks

I have a thing for mad socks, not a thing 'thing', I just like them. They are great for keeping the feet warm and more importantly, great for sliding on floors. Aren't you glad you know that wonderful piece of information about yours truly.

Pissing Down

Out in the pool

The Resilient Leg

I was going to call this thread a more niftier sounding title than 'The Resilient Leg', but something tells me that the following title is kinda long winded.

Removal of the hip,femoral and knee bone to clear infection before reconstruction, leaving leg 'floppy' for that time until leg is infection clear.

Anyhoo the mumborg had operation 8, since February, yesterday, which resulted in the Removal of the hip,femoral and knee bone to clear infection before reconstruction, leaving leg 'floppy' for that time until leg is infection clear. The mumborg actually said something about trying to get in the Guinness book of world records for number of operations in shortest period of time, I was not amused. It is hard to imagine what exactly I mean by 'floppy' unless you can see what I mean. I will try an draw it for you:

If you remember the Option A, B or C? post, you will see that it is Option A that they sort of went for. The risk now as always is infection, infection and more infection. Only until it is 100% infection free will they go ahead and try and reconstruct the leg. So yesterdays operation was only the first part of the long continuing process of trying to save this ruddy leg. It is always in the forefront of my mind that the mumborg might lose the leg anyway, but it is better to be prepared for that. The mumborg signed the consent form for amputation yesterday, luckily it didn't come to that this time. If she can cope with losing the leg, then who I am to say anything? Although of course I did say something along the lines of 'Bloody fucking hell mum'.

I am pondering writing and doodling a guide to visiting people in hospital, especially aimed at people who are in hospital for a long time. It will be a mix of sarcasm, a few stabs at wretched family members and some useful stuff. I asked the mumborg to help me with some tips from a patients prospective, sound fun? There is a whole range of topics to be covered, from what gifts to buy to how often one should visit.

Ps: To Gracie, The mumborg adored your card and has shown it to every visitor. They of course think its rather strange that the mumborg is receiving cards from people I know off the 'internet', also they don't get the 'mumborg' thing either. What is important, is that the mumborg loved it and wanted me to pass it on how much so.

I also do pass on well wishes from folks on here, BC and twitter, the mumborg is amused by it all and tells the nurses that my blog is read by millions (lol). I think the fame has gone to her head.

I know people wonder why I write about the mumborg on here and on twitter, especially when things look grave. The simple fact is that all these thoughts are swirling around in my head and they need to go somewhere. I also hope that other people in similar situations, with parents and loved ones in hospital get something from it too?